Thursday, March 24, 2011

Nurturing oneself - It is for the kids

Nurturing oneself is for your children and the following story explains it well.  A woman went to check out what was happening at her neighbor's home , a young widow her had 7 children. The kids were in the yard , some were crying and the others did not look too happy. The woman went into the house and to her dismay found the mother eating a good meal. The widow explained that if she wants to have the strength and energy to look after 7 hungry kids , she needs to eat well. So we need to be selfish - it is for the kids.

Here is my list

1 Nurture yourself ,consider yourself a person who has needs , relaxation, privacy , rest, exercise, eat well, reading, socializing, learning, being empowered emotionally and spiritually and take out a pencil and paper and plan these activities. Research and get involved with ' wellness'.

2 if you don't consider yourself worthy of the above, your kids will treat you as a doormat and not a real person with needs. Collaborative problem solving means putting your needs on the table as well and addressing them.

3 live your own life , focus on satisfying the needs for autonomy , competence and relatedness. Do things that express your will and autonomy and that are intrinsically rewarding , you get pleasure from doing these things.

4 Meditation, mindfulness , breathing etc – learn how to calm yourself down and relax , lose yourself in whatever you are doing.

5 Deal with negative thoughts. Check out  The work by Byron Katie . Don't fight reality. By accepting the reality , we liberate and free ourselves emotionally so we can deal with situations in a creative way . You need to decide if you want to be happy or right.

6 Remember the CPS mantra – children ( also people ) do well if they can

7 Collaborative problem solving and being empathic helps us to work with children, calm them down , avoid conflict .  We need to be ' Thermostats to calm the situation in the home.

8 When we rely less on others , don't have expectations we are less likely to become angry. If you want your house clean , it is up to you . Getting others to help is an extra and more likely if you do things with joy

9 Don't take issues personally , mouthing is part of the poor coping skills , the kid has a problem , not you. Why double the suffering ! Learn the art of detachment.

10 Be a source of joy, happiness , song and dance . Get yourself a good sense of humor and try to see the funny side of life. When you do things and have fun , kids will join in.

11 Avoid saying No , rather have a discussion , be flexible , Put your relationship with your kids first before getting them to do things. Remember – LEE = low expressed emotion and not Hee.

12 Nurture your relationship with your spouse , spend time together not talking about the kids , best to have  fixed times during the week

13 Let your kids do sleep over's during the week , respite for you and generally they ' think ' better at others and it is a good learning experience.

14 Find mentors, buddy-tutors , family , baby sitters who can spend time with your kids , good for them , respite for you. Get support from local charities , your church , an older brother or buddy from the local school.

15 Understand that education is a process , there are no quick fixes or magic bullet. Patience is the name of the game. But think positively about your kids so that you attract positive forces.

16  Only talk to the few people who understand how stressful parenting a challenging kid is , get support on forums or other support groups. To the others say that your child has certain challenges and that you are following expert advice.  But believe in yourself , that you are moving in the right  direction and have the ability to parent your kids. A mom once said that she does not feel that God has punished her by giving her 2 challenging kids to parent, but she felt it was a honor that she was chosen by him to parent them. It is said that God gives people challenges that they can handle  - one mom replied – I was God would not have such a high opinion of me.

here are some useful links 


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